Alice Kramden is setting the kitchen table as neighbor Ed Norton and a young boy enter the apartment. The boy carries a catcher's mitt and a long stick. Norton introduces Johnny Bennett, captain of Norton's stickball team, to Alice, who greets them both.

NORTON:
Alice, I got a little problem. I promised each member of the team today each one they hit a home run I give 'em a apple.

ALICE:
Well, what's your problem?

NORTON:
I'm fresh out o' apples.

ALICE:
Oh. Help yourself, Ed. (indicating a bowl on the kitchen table)

NORTON:
Thank you. There you are, Johnny boy. There's your apple for your home run. (He takes two more apples and stuffs them in his pockets.)

ALICE:
Who're those for?

NORTON:
I happened to hit a coupla home runs myself today, Alice, you know. All right, Johnny boy, get going. Now remember you're in training. Get home, get to bed early, and lay off them lollypops. Skeediddle!

Ralph Kramden excitedly enters the apartment as Johnny leaves. He says hi to the boy, then places his cap and lunchbox aside.

RALPH:
Alice! Remember me promising I was gonna get you two tickets to take you to a real Broadway show?

ALICE:
Yeah, I remember. That was Thursday, August the fifth, 1942.

RALPH:
Well, I'm keeping my promise, Alice. There they are. (He pulls them out of his pocket.) Two tickets to "Murder Strikes Out."

ALICE:
Oh!

RALPH:
The boss, he can't use 'em so he gave 'em to me. He says "go ahead."

NORTON:
"Murder Strikes Out"--I heard about that show. That's the show that's supposed to keep you in thrills, chills and suspense for over three hours.

RALPH:
It's a big hit! You saw the advertisements in the paper--you know, "Don't tell anybody what the ending is. Keep the ending a surprise."

ALICE:
Oh, Ralph, how wonderful! I can't wait to see it!

RALPH:
Well, look, go in and get dressed and right after the show we'll go to the Hong Kong Gardens. We'll make a whole night of the thing.

ALICE:
Ralph, you mean the tickets are for tonight?

RALPH:
Yeah.

ALICE:
My mother's coming tonight. She'll be here any minute. I can't go. It's impossible.

RALPH:
(Pause) You're not gonna stand there and tell me, Alice, that you're gonna spoil my evening and your evening, and both of our chances to see a Broadway show, because your mother is coming. You're not gonna tell me that, are ya, Alice?

ALICE:
Ralph, I don't want to spoil your evening, but I don't want to disappoint my mother. She's coming all the way from Bensonhurst.

RALPH:
There's a big deal! Where's Bensonhurst, in New Zealand or something?

ALICE:
Listen, Ralph, I am too tired to argue. My mother's coming and I can't go. Why don't you take Norton? How about it Ed, would you like to see that show?

NORTON:
Well, uh, I don't think I can, Alice. "Captain Video and His Video Rangers" are on tonight.

RALPH:
You mean to tell me you're not gonna take the chance to see a show like "Murder Strikes Out"--instead you wanna watch "Captain Video and His Video Rangers"? Now come on, Norton, do you wanna go or don't you? I can't use two seats.

NORTON:
That's a matter of opinion. But I'll manage to squeeze in somehow.

RALPH:
All right go ahead and get dressed. (Norton exits.) Your mother. On account of your mother I gotta waste a ticket on a Jr. Space Cadet.

ALICE:
Listen, Ralph, don't go blaming my mother. It is not her fault. How could she know that you have tickets to a show?

RALPH:
Oh, she knows, Alice. She knows. I don't know how she finds out but she knows. I don't know whether she uses a weegee board or a corns teller, but she knows!

ALICE:
Listen, Ralph, I know Mother isn't the easiest person in this world to get along with, but that's no reason for you to act the way you do.

RALPH:
I act the way I do, Alice, because your mother is a blabbermouth--a blabbermouth.

ALICE:
Ralph, I have told you about that before. I don't want you calling her that.

RALPH:
All right. You're an expert at crossword puzzles. Give me another name for blabbermouth. No sooner does she come in here, she starts in talking--"yabba yabba yabba." The minute she steps in till the minute she steps out she starts in on me: "Oh, if Alice only hadda married those other boyfriends. Oh, Ralph, why do you eat so much. You're so fat. Why don't you get some furniture for the apartment." Your mother's nosy, Alice, no-zee. Snoopin' around. If there's anything I hate it's a nosy blabbermouth.

ALICE:
Now listen, Ralph, I am warning you for the last time. You call her that once more and when my mother leaves here tonight I just might go with her!

RALPH:
All right, I won't say a word. I won't say a word to you or to your mother.

ALICE:
That'll suit me just fine. At least that way there won't be any arguments.

RALPH:
There won't be any arguments? You think because I don't say a word there won't be an argument? Are you kiddin'? I'll betcha a million dollars that she won't be in this apartment three minutes before she starts an argument. And I won't have to say a word, Alice. Three minutes I give her. She'll start an argument without a word from me.

ALICE:
Aw.

There is a knock at the door. It's Alice's mother. The women greet each other, and Mother takes a seat at the table.

MOTHER:
Oh, I'm glad to sit down. Whew! (As she talks, Ralph goes and sets an alarm clock. He reaches behind his mother-in-law and taps Alice on the shoulder. He points to the clock, holds up three fingers, then sits at the table.) You know, Alice, I wish you didn't live so far from the subway.

ALICE:
Oh, Mother, It's only three blocks.

MOTHER:
Three long blocks. But I suppose you can't do any better with the rent that you can afford. (Ralph grimly shuffles a deck of cards.) Your sister only lives a half a block from the subway. Well, that's one of the advantages of having a husband who's a good provider. (Ralph grabs and looks at the clock.)

ALICE:
Mother, I have some coffee on. Would you like some?

MOTHER:
Oh, that'd be nice dear, yes, thank you. Alice, you look thin. Are you getting enough to eat? (Ralph steams.)

ALICE:
Of course I am, Mother. You wouldn't say that if you could see our food bill.

MOTHER:
Well, I don't doubt the bills are high, but how much of the food are you getting? (Ralph grabs the clock and glares at it.)

ALICE:
Mother, don't you worry about me. I feel just fine.

MOTHER:
Well, I hope so. My goodness, a little food is the least you can get out of marriage. (Alice sits at the table. She and her mother are on opposite sides of Ralph.) Oh, by the way, guess who I saw today.

ALICE:
Who?

MOTHER:
Chester Barnes. Oh you remember Chester, that nice boy that was so crazy about you.

ALICE:
Yeah. How is he?

MOTHER:
Oh, he's fine. He's just fine. Oh, and he's handsomer than ever. Oh my dear! And he's so tall and slim. I guess a man doesn't have to get fat if he doesn't want to. (Ralph boils.) We had a nice long chat. You know he's so charming. You know, of all the boys that you brought to our house he's the only one that I had any use for.

ALICE:
Mother, now come on, drink your coffee. Ralph, would you like some?

Ralph grunts.

MOTHER:
What's the matter with him?

ALICE:
Nothing's the matter with him, Mother. Oh, Ralph's got tickets for a Broadway show tonight. He's going with Ed Norton.

MOTHER:
Ed Norton! Doesn't he know he's got a wife?

ALICE:
Mother, Ralph asked me to go with him first. But I couldn't because you were coming over to spend the evening. Anyway it's a wonderful show. It's called "Murder Strikes Out."

MOTHER:
Oh that. Oh, I had a neighbor, Mrs. Finley, she saw it. She didn't think much of it.

ALICE:
Really? It's supposed to be such a big hit. The papers said it's a very exciting mystery.

MOTHER:
Oh the papers, that's just a lot of publicity. All that to do about "chills and suspense." And that nonsense about "Don't tell your friends the surprise ending." Well it was no surprise to Mrs. Finley. She said she knew all the time that it wasn't the uncle who committed the murder, it was the husband. (The alarm clock goes off. Ralph slams down the buzzer, and stands up, fuming.)

RALPH:
(Pointing at Mother) YOU! . . . ARE A (very in-her-face:) BLAH-BER-MOUTH!

ALICE:
(Jumping out of her seat) Ralph!

RALPH:
A BLAH-BER-MOUTH! . . . YOU! . . . BLABBERMOUTH! . . . (indicating the door) OUT! . . . OOUUT! . . . OUT!

MOTHER:
Well, I've had enough!

RALPH:
OUT!

MOTHER:
Well I'm going home! Oh!

RALPH:
(As she exits) BLAH-BER-MOUTH!

ALICE:
(Removing her apron) I've had just as much of this as I can stand too, Ralph! (She exits the apartment, slamming the door.)

RALPH:
(Opening the door) Doesn't change my mind! (Norton stumbles through the door dressed for a night out, as Ralph shouts past him.) It doesn't change my mind! She's a blabbermouth!

NORTON:
What's going on here? What's the matter, anyway? Ain't we going to the show?

RALPH:
I'm not going to the show! Alice's mother, the blabbermouth, has to come in here. She's gotta tell me the ending to the show. "It wasn't the uncle that killed her, it was the husband that killed her." Two tickets ruined!

NORTON:
Well, just gimme my ticket. I'll go.

RALPH:
How can you be so stupid, Norton. Why do you wanna go? You know the finish as well as I do.

NORTON:
You call me stupid, huh? You call me stupid? Just so happens it don't make no difference at all if I know the finish. It doesn't make no difference at all. I'll just wait until it's almost to the end of the show, and then I'll get up and walk out. (He grabs his ticket from Ralph's hand and struts out the door. Ralph holds his head.)

SCENE 2: Norton's apartment

Norton is reading a magazine as Ralph enters, dejected.

RALPH:
Hi, Norton.

NORTON:
Hey there, Ralphie pal. How is it down there in that lonely apartment of yours? How's it feel to be a bachelor again, pal?

RALPH:
It's murder, Norton. She's only been gone five days and I'm going nuts. I never thought I could miss her as much as I do. If I could only get to talk to her, I know she'd forgive me. I'd pour my heart out to her--tell her how much I love her, I know she's forgive me.

NORTON:
Wait a minute! (He jumps up.) Just stay right where you are! Hold everything! (He rushes into the next room and returns with a case, which he places on top of the TV set. )

RALPH:
What's that?

NORTON:
It's a recorder. It's a recorder. Wait a minute now till I get it set up. (He plugs it into the wall.)

RALPH:
Whaddya gonna do with that?

NORTON:
What am I gonna do with it? You're gonna make a record. You're gonna pour your heart out to Alice here, right here on the record here, see. She'll get the record, she'll listen to it--she'll know how you feel--she'll be runnin' back to you!

RALPH:
Norton, you're a genius!

NORTON:
(Laughs.) That's a microphone. Here, I'll put a fresh record on. Now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

RALPH:
Start it now?

NORTON:
No, wait a minute. I just though of something else. If you want this to be sweet and sentimental--you know, schmaltzy like--you gotta have a musical background. Just a minute. (He takes out a harmonica.) Don't say nothin', Ralph, until you get a cue from me, see. I'll start the music in the background, ya see, then I'll give it to you. You ready? (He plays a few sentimental strains of "Swanee River," then gives Ralph the cue. Ralph smacks him.)

RALPH:
Look, I don't need any music. Just sit down. I'll do this alone.

NORTON:
Go ahead.

RALPH:
Start it.

NORTON:
You're on the air!

RALPH:
(Speaking into the microphone) Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without you. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice. It's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean. She's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't've got mad at that. I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the same old way, Alice! She's a BLAH-BER-MOUTH, Alice! a BLAH-BER-MOUTH!

NORTON:
(Jumping on Ralph) Wait! Hold the phone! Whattya crazy or somethin'! Whattya pourin' out, your heart or your liver?

RALPH:
I'm sorry. Every time I think of Alice's mother I flip.

NORTON:
Don't think of Alice's mother. Concentrate on Alice. She's the one you want back. Get over here now. I got one more fresh record left and you better make this one good. It's the last disc I got. Now make it friendly and warm and schmaltzy. What kind of a greeting is this so formal: "Hello, Alice. This is Ralph." I got a friendlier greeting from my draft notice. Isn't there some kind of a name you used to call her? Honey Bunny, Sweetie Pie, or somethin'?

RALPH:
I did. I used to call her "Bunny."

NORTON:
Bunny?

RALPH:
Yeah, when we first got married.

NORTON:
Now we're gettin' someplace. Call her Bunny.

RALPH:
Uh, wait a minute. Before you start it, would you mind startin' it and leavin'--this is kinda personal. I'd like to do it alone if you don't mind.

NORTON:
I know. I know just how you feel. In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, "There are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone--one, when he's communing with his thoughts, two, when he's being tender with his wife, and three, when he's in the isolation booth of the '$64,000 Question'." (He turns on the machine.) You're on the air! (He exits.)

RALPH:
(Sweetly) Hello, Bunny. This is ol' Buttercup. Remember when I used to call you "Bunny," Alice, way back when we were first married? And you used to call me "ol' Buttercup"? Now, uh, I'm sorry, Alice, for everything I said. We never used to argue when we first got married. There's no reason for us to argue now. I admit it's all my fault, Bunny. Ol' Buttercup is never gonna do it again. You just come back, Alice, please, and I promise I'll never again be like I was. I'll never say anything else about your mother. Just come back. Come on, Bunny. Come back to ol' Buttercup. P.S.: Say Hello to your mama. O.K., Norton, you can come out. (Norton enters and tries unsuccessfully to stifle a sob.) You were listening, Norton!

NORTON:
I couldn't help it, Ralph. It just got me down in here. When you come to the part where you said, "This is ol' Buttercup..." (Sobs.) It was just beautiful.

RALPH:
Look, never mind that. How're we gonna get the record to her?

NORTON:
Don't you worry about a thing. I got envelopes for these things. I'll slip it in the envelope, mail it, address it and everything and she'll get it tomorrow. You won't know a thing about it and she'll come begging!

As Norton sits at the table to address the envelope, his wife, Trixi, enters the front door carrying a bag of groceries.

NORTON:
What's her address?

RALPH:
Uh, thirty-three Cosciosco Street. Hi ya, Trixi.

TRIXI:
Oh, hi, Ralph. (She walks off screen.)

RALPH:
Just write it down right there. (after Trixi passes) Now don't forget, Norton, this means everything to me--my whole future. So long, Trix.

NORTON:
Your future's in good hands. Thirty what?

TRIXI:
(Off camera) So long, Ralph.

RALPH:
All right. Thirty-three Cosciosco, and the name is Gibson. Bye, Trix. (He exits.)

TRIXI:
Bye, Ralph.

NORTON:
Hey Trix. Hand me the record in the cabinet there, will ya.

TRIXI:
(Enters.) What?

NORTON:
Hand me the record over there.

TRIXI:
Oh. All right.

NORTON:
Boy oh boy, tellin' you, Trix, this is Ralph's passport to happiness. I'm tellin' ya Ralph and Alice's troubles are over. (He packages the record, seals it, and exits the apartment, leaving Trixi puzzled.)

SCENE 3: The Kramden's apartment

Ralph is sitting at the table, in a funk. Norton comes in and Ralph jumps up.

RALPH:
Norton, did ya send the record?

NORTON:
Did I send it. You asked me a million times. O' course I sent it.

RALPH:
Well then why isn't she here? She shoulda got the record by now. Are you sure you addressed it right?

NORTON:
I know I addressed it right. I even took precautions. You know on the envelope, on the outside you know where it says "If not delivered in five days return to--"? I crossed that out. I said, "Never mind this 'If not delivered in five days'--Deliver it!"

RALPH:
She shoulda got that letter at ten o'clock this morning if you delivered it. It's now six. She's had the record eight hours! Why isn't she here?

NORTON:
Listen, ain't you got no imagination? Can't you picture the scene? She's there at her mother's house. The mailman comes up with the record and delivers it to her. She opens it up. She rushes over to the phonograph there and she plays it. She listens to your tender words pour out. Her heart melts. Two-four-six-eight hours she's listening to that record. Her eyes fill up with tears. They get all swollen and red. She rushes out of the house to get a bus to come home to you. Her eyes are all swollen up. She misses the bus. She gets on the wrong one. She ends up in Bayonne. That's the answer, Ralph. You're sittin' here waitin for her to come home and she's prob'ly wanderin' around with swollen eyes someplace in Bayonne.

RALPH:
Will you leave me alone, Norton.

NORTON:
Listen, if she hears that record she'll come back, I'm tellin' ya.

There's a knock at the door.

RALPH:
Maybe that's her! (He opens the door and Tommy enters.) Oh, hi ya, Tommy.

TOMMY:
Hello, Mr. Kramden. Hi, Mr. Norton. Your wife told me you'd be down here. I got some bad news. Steve Austin can't play tomorrow. He's got the measles.

NORTON:
How d'ya like that. On the eve of a big baseball game my second baseman comes down with the measles. I'm tellin' ya, Ralph, the life of a coach ain't all beer and skittles. Haven't we got no substitute?

TOMMY:
That's just it. We don't have a substitute... (to Ralph) unless you'd play for us. How about it Mr. Kramden? Do you think you could cover second base?

NORTON:
My boy, you are lookin' at a man that could cover the infield, the outfield and four sections of the bleachers.

RALPH:
(Tersely) I'm very sorry but I'll be busy tomorrow.

TOMMY:
Mr. Norton, when you go upstairs could you tape up the handle of my bat?

NORTON:
Oh, tape up the handle? Oh yeah, sure, O.K., Tommy. Listen, when you was upstairs was Mrs. Norton makin' supper?

TOMMY:
No, she was talking to Mrs. Kramden. (He exits, leaving his stick with Norton.)

RALPH:
Alice is upstairs! She's upstairs! She's coming back! Norton, she's coming back!

NORTON:
Hey! I told you the record would work! (He puts down the stick and shakes Ralph's hand.) I told ya!

RALPH:
I don't know how to thank you. Now look, get out--I wanna be alone when she comes down.

NORTON:
Look, don't ya think I got no feelin's? I know. I wouldn't intrude on your privacy for the world. This is a time when you should be alone with your wife, who's coming back to you.

RALPH:
Thanks very much for your sympathy and thanks for sending the record.

NORTON:
Listen, one thing I wanna ask you. Mind if I just listen in on the keyhole?

RALPH:
Please, Norton, will you please go upstairs. She's comin' down any minute.

NORTON:
Let me know for sure how you make out.

RALPH:
All right, I'll let you know how I make out. (Norton exits.) Send her right down.

Ralph is nervously adjusting his tie as the door opens and Alice enters.

RALPH:
Alice! You got the record, sweetheart! Alice, I meant every word of it. I woulda said more but it was too small a record. But I meant every word of it, Alice.

ALICE:
You said enough, Ralph. I got the idea. So my mother was born mean, huh? She's gonna stay that way. It's her nature. Once a blabbermouth, always a blabbermouth. Well let me tell you something, Ralph. I'm very glad that you sent me this record 'cause now I know how you really feel. (She tosses the record on the table.)

RALPH:
Wait a minute! You're making a mistake!

ALICE:
I made the mistake fifteen years ago! (She exits.)

RALPH:
Wait a minute, Alice, wait a second--you got the wrong record! Alice! The wrong... (He pauses a moment, then goes over to the window and calls out very, very sweetly:) Norton...Pal o' mine. Come on down. I wanna tell ya how it came out. (He walks away from the window) Come on DOWN, Norton. ("DOWN" is punctuated by striking the table with Johnny's stick.) Come on down, Norton! I'm waitin' for ya, pal! Come on down!

SCENE 4: The Kramden's apartment, later

Ralph tosses a dirty dish in the sink, looks in the icebox, then forelornly walks across the kitchen. Norton enters, a band-aid on his forehead.

RALPH:
Get out, Norton. Get out before I do something. You're a menace to society, you're a menace to me, and you are a stupid head. Now get out!

NORTON:
Wait a minute. Before you say anything that I take offense at, I got some news for you. Alice is coming back. She's gonna forgive ya.

RALPH:
What?

NORTON:
Yes. I brought the right record over to Alice's mother's house and I played it for Alice and she sat there and listened to it and she cried and she cried and she forgives ya.

RALPH:
Oh, Norton, is she really coming back?

NORTON:
She's not only really coming back, she is back. She's down on the corner now pickin' up a steak and she's gonna make you the best supper you ever had in your life.

RALPH:
Norton, I don't know how to thank you, pal. (Shakes his hand.)

NORTON:
Friends?

RALPH:
Friends.

There is a knock at the door.

RALPH:
That's probably her now!

Ralph opens the door to find a strange man there.

RALPH:
Alice...Oh...yes, sir?

STRANGER:
(Entering) I'm Doctor Paulson. I'm with the Department of Health. Do any children live in this apartment?

RALPH:
No, Just my wife and myself.

DOCTOR:
There's an epidemic of measles in this building. The Manicotti boy has them, the Garrety boy, and Mrs. Bennett's son. Apparently it's still spreading.

NORTON:
Manicotti, Bennett, Gar-- There goes my stickball team.

RALPH:
Well there's no children live here.

DOCTOR:
I'm just checking. (Stares at Ralph.)

RALPH:
What're you lookin' at?

DOCTOR:
Would you mind opening your mouth please. (He looks in Ralph's mouth.) Ah ha. Did you ever have the measles?

RALPH:
No.

DOCTOR:
Well you got 'em now.

RALPH:
That's impossible!

NORTON:
(Giggling) Ralph's gonna get the measles. He's gonna break out in sp--

RALPH:
SHUT UP! (to the Doctor) I can't have the measles. He's the one who plays with the kids. I don't play with them. How could I catch the measles?

DOCTOR:
Very simple. You probably caught them from him. (to Norton) Let me look at you. (Looks in Norton's mouth.) Well, you're both in the same boat.

Alice enters the apartment.

ALICE:
(Joyfully) Ralph!

DOCTOR:
Oh, just a minute, madam. Do you live here?

ALICE:
Of course.

RALPH:
Oh, wait a minute. She doesn't understand. This is my wife. She's been away for three weeks.

ALICE:
Understand what?

DOCTOR:
There's an epidemic of measles. Your husband and this gentleman are infected. Now you're very fortunate that you've been away. If you want to avoid measles I suggest you stay away until the infection has subsided. Good afternoon. (Exits.)

ALICE:
Oh, Ralph, I don't mind. I'll stay--

RALPH:
Don't touch me! Don't touch me! I'm measled.

ALICE:
I'll stay and take care of you, Ralph.

RALPH:
No, sweetheart. No, doll. I realized how much I love you when you were away. I don't want you to get anything like the measles. You go back with your mother and when I'm over the measles you can come back.

ALICE:
I love you too, Ralph.

RALPH:
I love you too.

ALICE:
Here's your steak. (She tosses him the paper bag. They say their goodbyes and she leaves.)

NORTON:
Ralph, I wanna tell you somethin'. I wanna tell you and I mean it. That was the biggest thing in the world you could do. Tellin' your wife, Alice, to get out when you really want her most of all close to your heart. And you're left alone here to struggle by yourself--to do your own cleanin' and your own cookin' and your own washin'--just so that you won't endanger her. That's what I call a big sacrifice. (looking around) What a mess she left you with!

RALPH:
She didn't leave me with the mess, stickball coach...PUT ON THE APRON! PUT IT ON! CLEAN THIS UP! (Wielding the stick, he strikes at the mess on the table, as Norton jumps about trying to comply without getting hit.) CLEAN IT UP!...CLEAN THIS UP!... (...etc.,etc....and...)